I used to read romance novels for a cheap thrill. And then later on I'd lie in bed depressed over how little I'm loved. I remember those times clearly - me, hugging a pillow, creating imaginary situations whereby I'm rejected again and again, in love. And then sometimes I'd cry it out, releasing all my other stress along with it with every tear.

Now that I can hardly claim to be lonely and unloved, I sometimes feel helpless at the fact that I cannot make up those imaginary situations again. It's as though I've come up against an emotional brick wall - no more feeling any self-pity and raging at the cruelty of the world. And when times get hard and I just want to curl up and piteously cry, I can't. Because I know that there's someone nearby who likes me, and to wallow in self-pity would mean that I'm not taking into consideration his feelings. And yet, I can't go to him and cry. He's such an emphatic guy, more observant than I am. And he shares the feelings of people close to him. But he's also rather pragmatic. For me to go up to him and cry, he'd either get hurt, or just tell me 'everything is hard.'

Just today I was somewhat emo-ing again, over my relationship - again *roll eyes*. My first relationship scared me out. While my ex was dreaming of a long, long relationship, I'd shudder when I imagined it stretched out for years and years. When we broke up I felt so happy, so free. In my current one, I know that ours would end when we graduate - the possibility of it lasting longer than that was slim, and we both knew it. Because of that I told myself that there was no point trying to take up too much of his time, or to do anything too serious. Sometimes, when I think of the end I get a little emotional, and start considering breaking up with him right here, right now. Better to hurt now than later. Then I'd think of how we managed to get together, and I knew I couldn't do it.

Yes, I know that I'm a fickle-minded, weak and stupid girl.

Back to the serenity...

After a month of holidays, back to Melbourne, where life seems so much more simpler.

Was surprised to find myself seating next to my dear neighbor and friend, Rachel. Took a cab back to International House with her.

And after a long month, I saw him again. The whole month saw me thinking a lot about our relationship. Long distance is too hard on the ones who have too many doubts and other obligations. And unfortunately, I think I may be one of them. But for now, I enjoy being with him. The future can wait.

Ramen-Ya for lunch, and then a walk back to the hostel, holding hands. Strangely enough he is the only one I'm willing to walk with on the tiresome 40-minute journey from IH to the city. Never said I was a big fan of walking :)

Woken up at 7am by the sounds of an o-weekender shouting through the loudspeaker and banging on the doors. Got annoyed enough to open the door and told them NOT to bang on this door (and several others).

Uni's starting again tomorrow. The almost impossible expectations to fulfill. The guilt of slacking. And the friends who are there to support and be supported by. Life is beautifully imperfect :)